“I think we should start looking for other people.”
It was around 9 AM on Tuesday, May 24th, 2022. The internet was still out at home, despite my best efforts to resolve the problem. I had called CenturyLink, but the earliest a technician could come out was that Friday. I had finished making breakfast, and was busy getting myself out the door, not something I had typically done in the morning since the start of the pandemic. In just under an hour, I would be going live to give a talk at the Vue Global Summit. It was my second year participating, after being introduced to the folks at Geekle by Tracy Lee of This Dot Labs the year prior.
I heard my spouse at the time say it, felt my body stutter at the impact of the words. It wasn’t so much as shock as realization. Things hadn’t been good for awhile, and no matter what I did she was always angry or disappointed or just resentful of me. I wasn’t brave enough to call it abuse, but I had spoken to a couple friends about how wrong things had felt, how to know when divorce was the right thing, how scared I was about life falling apart around me again. Four years prior, when I had shed both the religion and gender I had grown up being told were true, I had been left with few pillars on which to rebuild anything. Tearing down another one, even when it was due, left me terrified.
At the time, I nodded, understanding. This wasn’t the first time the topic had come up, but it had always been deferred, a future thing, in case my transition made her too uncomfortable. It had no bearing on me, since our relationship had already ended by most metrics. Now, though, it was real, it was happening, but I didn’t have time for that. Didn’t have time to parse that life as I had known it was over.
I couldn’t pause, because I had less than an hour until showtime.
I got in the car, heart pounding, the words repeating in my head. I pulled up to a friend’s house, settled my laptop on the desk, and got ready. My heart refused to slow, panic and dread and the more general nervous energy before stepping out on virtual stage. I reviewed my notes as the previous talk ended, and then it was my turn.
I couldn’t tell you what I talked about. I had two sessions that conference, one of them about functional programming, but I think that one was another day. I smiled, I joked, I answered questions, and then the camera went off. Quietly, heart hammering, I packed up my laptop, and went downstairs to the kitchen.
My friend was there; she asked if I was okay. I must have been showing more emotion than I realized. Tears flowed, and I couldn’t hold them back any longer.
I now look back on that day and see someone who hurt me, again and again, as I did everything I could to sustain a broken relationship. I hear the words she spoke over the years, threatening and abusive.
I am grateful that time is passed. I regret that I walked into it at all.
Now, I’m free from that world. That chapter of my life is over, and I am all the happier for it. I have an amazing, wonderful partner who loves me for who I am. We go on adventures together, hiking and exploring the world around us. We are both writers and artists, and I love sharing what we make with each other, or just reading and snuggling together. I love peaceful days, and restful nights, and knowing that at long last, I am home.
